Well, I think the time has come to say good-bye. It feels a bit weird to be walking into the sunset like this, but it also feels right. I honestly don't have that much to say anymore. When we were trying to get pregnant, I was brimming with hot shame, panic, and fear, and I didn't really have anyone to talk to about what I was going through. I had my husband, but I think our marriage would have crumbled if I'd let loose on him with all of my feelings. My friends and family are dear to me, but I realized very quickly that they just weren't going to be able to understand what infertility was like, no matter how hard they tried or how much they loved me.
And so my blog was born, and it has been a soul-surviving project for me. I had no one to talk to and so I began talking into my computer. I'm endlessly grateful for the community of readers who came here and listened to my worries and rants. Without this forum, I'm sure my bitterness and desperation would have bubbled over and consumed me. It almost did anyway, but the blog helped diffuse things. I suppose it would have helped some even if I had been talking into a void. But the women who have read my posts and commented, I hardly know how to express my gratitude to them. To you. You know who you are, and I hope you also know how important you've been to me.
Yet now that I'm good and pregnant, as I've mentioned before, I feel like I'm finally experiencing something that is not all that unusual. It's unusual for ME, of course. The kicks I felt yesterday for the first time have never happened to me before. And the sonogram we had yesterday showing the sprite diving headfirst into my crotch was a first for me. It's all new to me. But pregnancy in general is an experience shared by many women, and I can now talk about it with my mom, my friends, and others. I don't feel alone anymore, I feel like I'm part of the real world again. And now that I can share my pregnancy joys and worries with the people around me, it feels silly, or perhaps redundant, to write about them in my blog.
On top of this, I am acutely aware of how many of my readers are still struggling to build a family. Or perhaps I should say former readers, because I think a lot of those women don't come around anymore. And that's okay. Infertiles need to protect themselves, and visiting pregnancy blogs probably feels more hurtful than helpful in many ways. So I understand why my readership has changed. For those who continue to stop by, I don't want to say anything to make things worse, which I probably will since these days I'm more likely to trill on about happy pregnancy things than anything else. I understand completely why that's not something an infertile would want to read about, and yet I don't want to ignore my own joy. So what's a girl to do?
For all of these reasons, it's time for me to go. I bow to all of you, dear readers, to your big hearts, generous minds, and boisterous humor. I thank my lucky stars that you have stopped by over the last few months to laugh with me, wish me well, and hold my hand. I'll keep my e-mail account open in case you'd like to reach me, and I certainly hope some of you will. And if anyone prefers to stay in touch by snail mail, I've got a P.O. Box. Just drop me an e-mail and I'll give you the address. Finally, I can't quite bring myself to take my archives off the net completely, so I'll pay the typepad fee until the baby comes, and leave the blog up until then. It just seems too bizarre to see it vanish into thin air right away. I envision making one last post when the baby arrives in August, to finalize this whole chapter in my life, and bring the blog to a real close. Otherwise, you won't be hearing from me anymore here, but I will continue to read your blogs, probably lurking a lot, commenting occasionally, and fervently wishing my internet friends the happiness they so deserve.