Well, I think the time has come to say good-bye. It feels a bit weird to be walking into the sunset like this, but it also feels right. I honestly don't have that much to say anymore. When we were trying to get pregnant, I was brimming with hot shame, panic, and fear, and I didn't really have anyone to talk to about what I was going through. I had my husband, but I think our marriage would have crumbled if I'd let loose on him with all of my feelings. My friends and family are dear to me, but I realized very quickly that they just weren't going to be able to understand what infertility was like, no matter how hard they tried or how much they loved me.
And so my blog was born, and it has been a soul-surviving project for me. I had no one to talk to and so I began talking into my computer. I'm endlessly grateful for the community of readers who came here and listened to my worries and rants. Without this forum, I'm sure my bitterness and desperation would have bubbled over and consumed me. It almost did anyway, but the blog helped diffuse things. I suppose it would have helped some even if I had been talking into a void. But the women who have read my posts and commented, I hardly know how to express my gratitude to them. To you. You know who you are, and I hope you also know how important you've been to me.
Yet now that I'm good and pregnant, as I've mentioned before, I feel like I'm finally experiencing something that is not all that unusual. It's unusual for ME, of course. The kicks I felt yesterday for the first time have never happened to me before. And the sonogram we had yesterday showing the sprite diving headfirst into my crotch was a first for me. It's all new to me. But pregnancy in general is an experience shared by many women, and I can now talk about it with my mom, my friends, and others. I don't feel alone anymore, I feel like I'm part of the real world again. And now that I can share my pregnancy joys and worries with the people around me, it feels silly, or perhaps redundant, to write about them in my blog.
On top of this, I am acutely aware of how many of my readers are still struggling to build a family. Or perhaps I should say former readers, because I think a lot of those women don't come around anymore. And that's okay. Infertiles need to protect themselves, and visiting pregnancy blogs probably feels more hurtful than helpful in many ways. So I understand why my readership has changed. For those who continue to stop by, I don't want to say anything to make things worse, which I probably will since these days I'm more likely to trill on about happy pregnancy things than anything else. I understand completely why that's not something an infertile would want to read about, and yet I don't want to ignore my own joy. So what's a girl to do?
For all of these reasons, it's time for me to go. I bow to all of you, dear readers, to your big hearts, generous minds, and boisterous humor. I thank my lucky stars that you have stopped by over the last few months to laugh with me, wish me well, and hold my hand. I'll keep my e-mail account open in case you'd like to reach me, and I certainly hope some of you will. And if anyone prefers to stay in touch by snail mail, I've got a P.O. Box. Just drop me an e-mail and I'll give you the address. Finally, I can't quite bring myself to take my archives off the net completely, so I'll pay the typepad fee until the baby comes, and leave the blog up until then. It just seems too bizarre to see it vanish into thin air right away. I envision making one last post when the baby arrives in August, to finalize this whole chapter in my life, and bring the blog to a real close. Otherwise, you won't be hearing from me anymore here, but I will continue to read your blogs, probably lurking a lot, commenting occasionally, and fervently wishing my internet friends the happiness they so deserve.
What a beautiful post. I love the thought that you don't feel alone anymore. x
So long, Lobster Girl. My favorite quote at the momentas agift for your new journey "no-one has ever discovered new lands without first having the courage to let old horizons fade completely from view" Antoine de Saint-Exupery.
Thanks for the Box.
Posted by: Meriel | April 02, 2005 at 10:30 PM
I just wanted to say I am here if you want to talk about your pregnancy. I have had 5 miscarriages and am finally pregnant due August 17,2005. Ultrasound to determine sex is april 20. I am 20w4d and will be 23weeks the day of ultrasound. Hoping for a girl. It was hard when I find out i was pregnant and the babyless friends i had turned away from me but i do understand their feeling. i just wish they could share this pregnancy with me. It is so amazing but still very scary to me. Please email if you want to talk. Thanks for a great blog. I have read it and really am so happy for you! What name did you decide on? Take care and please let me know when baby is born..... Lorene
Posted by: Lorene | April 03, 2005 at 12:45 AM
I'll miss you, but I am so glad that you are in such a happy place.
I hope you will stay in touch in one way or another - as you are keeping typepad until you baby is here I hope you'll post pictures?
In any case, thanks for a very good run, and all the best to you in the coming months : )
Posted by: Menita | April 03, 2005 at 12:18 PM
Best of luck to you and your little girl.
Posted by: Amanda | April 03, 2005 at 02:51 PM
Dear Lobster Girl:
Please keep in touch and let us know that eveything turned out well for you. I may have not commented before but I've been reading your blog and your comments throughout the blogworld. Good luck.
Posted by: Lala | April 03, 2005 at 10:00 PM
So glad you've reclaimed the happiness you deserve and no longer feel alone. Sometimes I find myself feeling pretty normal too (which is so nice) but then I'll hit a small bump that reminds me I'm high-risk. Despite that reality, I'm so incredibly happy to have the normal milestones--first kicks, hiccups, etc.--and I'm glad you are too. You deserve every wonderful moment.
Will check in in August to see how you and your girl are faring. In the meantime, my and my girl (due 7/8) will be thinking of you both and hoping for a continued beautiful experience in your journey. I'll miss your 'voice.'
Posted by: Dee | April 04, 2005 at 11:42 AM
I, too, will miss reading your updates, but I am so glad that you have found that you feel comfortable in your pregnancy and that you have a connection around you. Please send me e-mails sometimes with updates- I want to hear everything. Good luck with the remaining weeks and do give a big holler when your dear little girl makes her debut!
Best wishes!
Posted by: dish | April 04, 2005 at 12:28 PM
*sniff sniff* I will miss you, I have really enjoyed ya posts...Im due with my second when u are .. or around there.. Id love to hear from u and to know everything went well and we know it will.. good luck with your pregnancy.. enjoy every second of it...cuz when that lil girl is born your heart will leave your body and go directly into hers...its hard to describe but you will know when it happens.. Ill keep checking in and prolly read your posts over.. woulda made a good book..*smiles*
Posted by: chrissy | April 04, 2005 at 03:24 PM
So sad to see you go...but I understand.
You'll be missed, sorely.
Keep in touch!
Posted by: Sherry | April 04, 2005 at 09:45 PM
So sorry to see you go, but I completely understand why.
Revel in your normalcy, in the beauty of your pregnancy and the little girl who will soon change your whole world.
Blessings to you both.
Posted by: Jen | April 05, 2005 at 10:18 AM
Sad to see you go but I can understand why. Best of luck to you (& the wee one!) :)
Posted by: Jael | April 07, 2005 at 03:45 PM
I will miss reading...if you get another blog please let me know! Good luck.
Posted by: alex | April 07, 2005 at 08:12 PM
Off into the Sunset....I hope I'm not too far behind you....
Thanks for writing, and for lurking, and I hope you have a NORMAL pregnancy and delivery. Because God knows, you've earned it....
Posted by: Soper | April 08, 2005 at 05:15 PM
I lurked here only, but it feels weird not to know now how the baby is doing. Looking forward to August, for the update. Godspeed!
Posted by: Lioness | April 10, 2005 at 03:31 AM
I'm sorry to see you go too, but I am happy to hear that you finally feel like you've regained a sense of normalcy in your life. Please update us when the baby comes and let us know how you are all doing.
Take good care of yourself and your new family, know that we are all very happy for you.
Posted by: Lola | April 11, 2005 at 08:07 PM
I will also be sad to see your site go away... I stumbled upon it when I was in an "almost dark place" a couple of months ago and your writing made me laugh and cry and feel SO MUCH BETTER!! So... thank you :) You & I have had some of the same experiences so I found I could really relate to what you were writing, esp. your posting on the whole "drinking wine"... I could so relate to it!! LOL
I think you should save all of your writings... for later on. It's too good to let it just vanish :)
Thanks again and good luck!!
Posted by: Carey | April 13, 2005 at 06:20 PM
Good luck to you... and best wishes to your new family.
Posted by: Jen/VintageUterus | April 14, 2005 at 11:34 PM
Lobster girl (my always-favorite seacreature girl)
I'm sorry you're leaving--and I will miss you. Good luck to you, my friend. I am so glad you are in this happy place.
Love, Karen
Posted by: Karen | April 29, 2005 at 03:08 PM
How are things with you and baby girl. I had my ultrasound on the 20th of april and found out I am having a girl! i am so happy. I am 34 weeks and 5 days. Due 8/17/05. BabyGirl is growing! I have gained 23 pounds so far. I lost 9 pounds the first 2 months but dr does not count that in the total weight. I am doing good but getting hard to sleep at night. How far along are you now. Have you thought of a name for your little girl. I like the name Emily but spell it Emilie. I also like Alissa. Not sure yet. Email me please. I still check your blog to see if you had updated it.
Posted by: Lorene | July 08, 2005 at 12:52 PM
Today is d-day !!!
Wishing you and your family lots of happy moments. Hang in there and let us all know the big news.
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