I am desperately, desperately tired. All the time. It's really rather amazing. When I'm not pregnant, I'm one of those annoying people who jumps out of bed in the morning fully awake (whereas it takes the husband a good hour to come to his senses after he wakes up). I never nap. I hate naps. They make me feel dopey and sick, and I normally take about one nap a year. Maybe less. I go to bed around 11 or 12, fall asleep quickly, and the whole thing starts over the next day.
Until now. Fatigue seems to be my primary symptom. I wake up slowly and crankily, feeling vaguely nauseous (but not quite, so, nausisch?), and have a few good hours until I feel my body and mind crawling into a pit of deep warm water, tempting me, beckoning me, sleeep, sleeep, you know you want it. And before you know it, if I've managed to hold out til late afternoon, I've collapsed into a napping heap. Then by 9:00 or maybe 10:00, I am so ditheringly tired I can hardly speak, and I stumble to bed muttering a bleary good-night to my wide-awake husband.
But the kicker is that once I get to bed, I can't fall asleep! I toss and turn and try a million relaxation techniques and then worry about all the things I have to do the next day and then maybe, after two hours or so, I finally fall asleep. Only to wake up three or four hours later, and an hour after that, and after that, and ... well, you get the picture. And this nightly joust with insomnia happens even when I haven't napped. I thought the naps might be hurting the cause, and so valiantly went nap-less a few days to test my theory, but still I couldn't fall asleep without a struggle when I went to bed.
The moral of the story? I'm tired, people. But happy to be so. I imagine the sprite gathering all the little energy molecules in my body, and I am only too happy to give them all away. The little critter needs them, and that's alright with me. Still, it's kind of weird to be held hostage to my fatigue like this. It makes work pretty damn hard, and nothing else gets done. I can't keep my eyes open and my body standing long enough to do anything like cook dinner. A herculean feat.
It occurs to me that perhaps this overwhelming fatigue is sort of motherhood on training wheels. The first sense of how my days will be usurped by a child who needs lots from me. More perhaps than I ever thought I could give. Where I turn the hours of my day and the very cells of my body over to the exhausting demands of a tiny, lovely little thing. As I've mentioned before, I'm a bit of a control freak. I like to take the reigns of my life and ride a strong course. Determined by me me me. To begin to lose that control, to feel my body involuntarily turned onto the path determined by a willful (she's already a stubborn little thing) small creature, is a novel experience. A challenging one. A welcome one. A first lesson in liberation and love. And ...
*snoOOOOOOre*
...oops, sorry dropped off there for a moment. 10:00, time to haul myself off to bed. Night, friends.
You're so funny. It sounds like blissful sleep tho' and, my dear friend I am so glad about that. So, so glad. I'm on my way over to see the brand new babes of T, will blow them a kiss from you too.
Posted by: eM | January 07, 2005 at 03:21 AM
I was completely, brain-numbingly fatigued for about the first 8 or 9 weeks. I took a nap every afternoon after getting home from work and went to bed by 9 or 10 each night, only to wake up in the night, unable to fall back asleep for hours. You're definitely not alone in that regard.
But I think what they say is true--the fatigue abates somewhat the farther along you get. I'm just starting the second trimester and I'm no longer needing a nap every day and basically sleeping through the nights (though still going to bed at 9 or 10), including the nightly trip(s) to pee.
I'm so glad you're tired though and lovin' every minute of it--you deserve this joy! Enjoy it and know that a lot of us are thinking of you!
Posted by: Dee | January 07, 2005 at 07:31 AM
Congratulations! Progesterone has as a side effect "sleep disturbances" so that might be why you are tired/not able to sleep.
Posted by: Kim | January 07, 2005 at 10:59 AM
Night night, friend. :)
Posted by: Joanne | January 07, 2005 at 02:46 PM
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