I have been in the worst of funks for the past few days. I start crying at all kinds of inopportune moments. My brother recently made me a fantastic mixed CD, and while I was driving to work yesterday, one song made me burst into tears that wouldn't stop for miles. Today I couldn't manage to get out of my pajamas until 4:30. I spent the entire afternoon watching the 1986 miniseries about Anastasia Romanoff, starring the always alluring Amy Irving, and crying at the TV. My husband finally convinced me to leave the house, and suggested we go buy Christmas lights. I agreed, reluctantly, and a few minutes later, he walked in the bedroom and said "get dressed, let's go!" I had made a special effort to get out of my pj's and put on clean sweatpants, and replied "i am dressed. this is as good as it gets. let's go." In this state, I'm lucky I managed to put my own goddamn shoes on without mucking them up with my non-stop tears.
I'm not sure what's going on. Why am I so depressed? Part of it is the progesterone, I guess. Part of it is my dismay at my weight, which is spinning out of control. My gut is fantastically enormous, and to me, all that extra weight feels like failure. And finally, I think this cycle's two-week wait just presses on me too much. I can't take it! For the last two cycles, I was so utterly convinced that it wouldn't work, that the two-week wait was easier to take, in a weird way. But this time, I thought we might actually have a chance, that there might be a positive beta at the end of the wait. Hell, who knows, maybe there still is a chance. It's the not knowing that's killing me. I am a fucking wreck. I'll be lucky tomorrow if I even get out of bed. All I wanted to do today was stay in bed under the covers and cry. That would have been just fine with me, but then my husband would truly have been worried, and I hate to do that to him.
I'm so sick of crying. I'm so fucking tired of feeling like my life is an ongoing crisis over which I have no control. Before infertility, I was never this way. Not even close. I have always been a happy person, determined, focused, and positive. That's just my nature. Or at least it used to be. Now I'm a walking fountain of salty, endless tears. We've decided that if this cycle doesn't work, we'll be taking the next one off for the holidays. I worried about this a lot, because the thought of taking a break made me kind of crazy, but now I'm thinking it's the right decision. If I'm not pregnant, I will welcome the chance to feel even vaguely normal during my favorite time of year. I need that, I think. Because I. am. a. mess.
Ah my friend, so sorry you are feeling so down. Part of it is def the prog. I hate that stuff, with a passion.
I can totally relate to the weight gain thing, that made me really depressed and it made me realize that i can't be fat and infertile. Once i lost the weight i felt much better.
It is such a good idea to take a month or three off, because otherwise infertility will consume you, and make even the most positive person depressed. I have been where you are, I know.
Look after yourself, it is totally understandable you feeling down. IF is a effin difficult thing to go through.
xoxox
Posted by: Tertia | December 04, 2004 at 11:48 PM
I am so sorry. Infertility is the hardest thing I've ever been through. It's the cyclical disappointment, the hormones, the altering of the path of your life. It's very, very tough.
I'm with Tertia though, breaks seem hard at first, but ultimately are a very good thing. The breaks make everything seem possible once again.
Posted by: patricia | December 05, 2004 at 01:17 AM
Oh, honey. I am sorry this is a bad time. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like I have turned into a walking train wreck. A break sounds good- I just hope it won't be needed.
Posted by: B. Mare | December 05, 2004 at 08:52 AM
I'm all teary thinking about you. It's so hard and frustrating and I've also being thinking about you with all the girls having good news (T and Grrl and Julie) it must feel crap to be in a cycle and pumped with hormones and confusing symptoms and that alleycat Hope and at the same time be happy for them. Be gentle with yourself, a break does sound like a good idea especially over the holidays if it means more creeping up stairs in BIL house. You are a gorgeous lobster and we love you lots. x
Posted by: eM | December 05, 2004 at 10:03 AM
I'm sorry. This is so hard and I wish I had the words that would make you feel better, but I'm still searching for them myself.
I'm wishing you luck for this cycle and hope that your ups and downs bring good news at the end.
Breaks are good though, they give you your life back.
xxxooo,
Posted by: Emily | December 05, 2004 at 10:20 AM
I am so sorry you are feeling so low. Do what you need to do, even it means staying in your pajamas for two days. You have been through so much. Take care of yourself.
Posted by: Julianna | December 05, 2004 at 10:26 AM
So sorry you're feeling so awful -- at least a little of it is the progesterone (that stuff sends me plummeting into depression); but like the others said, this IF fucker is a hard one to battle.
And I'm with them, too, on the taking a break issue -- the reprieve is rejuventating... am hoping you won't be needing it though.
xxoo
Posted by: Anna H. | December 05, 2004 at 10:33 AM
Oh, friend, I'm so sorry. Infertility is one of the hardest things in the world. Frankly, I'm amazed any of us can get out of bed at all, ever. Be good to yourself. We're here with you.
Posted by: Joanne | December 05, 2004 at 10:35 AM
Hi there, Lobster Girl...just checking in to see how you're doing and send you lots of lovey thoughts.
Posted by: Joanne | December 06, 2004 at 09:05 PM