Avoidance

The facts:

Sonogram on Friday, cd 15 (just one dominant follicle at 22 mm)
Surge that same day (finally!)
IUI on Saturday morning (hurt like a mother fucker)
Sex today (as prescribed by doctor)

The rest:

I haven't posted much this week, and I'm not sure why. It's not like I'm any less consumed by my infertility than usual. In spite of the fact that my job has been rather demanding, I still manage to think BABY thoughts about once every five minutes.

The problem is, I guess, these thoughts have become such a familiar part of my mental landscape, that I don't even think to post about them a lot of the time. It's sad, really, that I'm learning to live with them. Like someone learns to live with glasses, or with migraines. I wish it weren't there, I wish infertility wasn't part of my daily life, but it is. It kind of scares me that this is how I'm beginning to feel. Because this is an attitude that assumes that infertility has become a permanent part of my life.

But, hey wait a minute, aren't I supposed to be battling infertility? It's not like I'm getting all of this treatment for the hell of it. The goal is a baby, right? Right? I'm not supposed to become accustomed to this way of life. I'm supposed to keep my eye on the prize, keep fighting.

And I guess I am doing all of that. I'm in the fight of my life. Yet, at the same time, it's becoming familiar. Part of who I am. Too big a part, I suspect. I breathe infertility now like I breathe air. Thick, humid air that subtly reminds you of its presence, its torpid weight.

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that I think so much, and yet so imperceptibly, about this whole mess, that I forget to post. Nothing seems post-worthy anymore except the rote details of treatment. This many follicles. That many cycles. This kind of drug. That many dollars.

But the facts aren't the whole story, are they? I think I need to face some of my feelings more directly, partly by posting about them. Maybe my sense of living with them is false. I say my baby thoughts have become my unhappy companions, but perhaps really I repress them. I've become used to their quiet accompaniment, but that doesn't mean I really hear them. Sure, their thrum forms the soundtrack to my life, quietly, constantly tugging at my heart, but maybe I need to pull them out into the open. Turn them into words on a page.

That can be hard, though, you know? The process of turning inchoate emotions into palpable expression can be painful. And I guess I've just been avoiding that lately. But it's time to get back to business. Pick up my battle gear, and confront my reality. So stay tuned, gentle readers. I've got some work to do, and I'm thankful you're all here to help me through it.

Comments

[Toni]

I'm there too...I understand. Hopefully this is the one. Wishing you good luck (and lots of fun with the prescription!!)

[Emily]

Wishing you luck and hope this cycle is your magical 'one'.

Thinking of you.

[eM]

I wondered whether you were spending time in your cave so I didn't want to bother you. But I have been religiously checking your page (a couple of times a day). So, yes I'm right here interested in whats happening - whether that means your statistics or your feelings or your doctors prescription or just idle ramblings. Sending you lots of love for the next battle round.

[Kristin]

My ultrasound on Friday revealed only a sad 17mm follicle so we are using guess-work on the trigger. I hope your IUI works and can't wait to follow your two-week-wait and see if it did. We triggered last night so we'll have to wait and see.

Tragic that the guy at the pharmacy did that. What the hell? It's like hello, have you ever heard of the HIPAA privacy acts?? Moron!! As though it's not bad enough you are subjected to the drugs anyway, but to have someone yelling it to the world. Sheesh!