Thank you everyone for your helpful information about Provera, and your support. For those of you who said Provera made you cranky and hungry. Um, yeah. Not only am I eating everything in sight. I have become a whirling dervish of bitchiness.
I came home from work last night, incredibly tired and feeling sad, dull, and vaguely mean-spirited. I launched into a huge tirade about how my husband hadn't even noticed that we were out of kitty litter, because he doesn't ever bother to deal with things like that, and I had to go buy it, and then clean out the box, which he hadn't done of course.
And then I began the second phase of the seething-wife routine, in which he caught hell for not doing the dishes, even though he'd been sitting around the house for two hours before I got home, and I had to come home to a sinkful of dirty dishes, which I then dealt with after he left for a business party.
Phase three consisted of me berating him for daring to rip up the junk mail he gets, leaving the shreds on the dining room table for me to pick up and throw in the trash.
By the time I was done, he was thoroughly chastened, slightly scared, and desperate to get away from me. Ah yes, fun with Provera. Now, all of these are legitimate gripes, but I didn't have to hurl them at him all at once like a flamethrower making her prey run for cover. I just sent him an email apologizing for being such a crank.
The other thing that's on my mind is how I've lost my normal sense of self. I've become the person people feel sorry for. And I have never been that before. Not necessarily because bad things haven't happened to me. I've had a few dark episodes in my life, including a particularly dicey illness that could have left me either dead or a vegetable. But for some reason, I have always fought -- hard. I've always believed I could beat the odds, in the end. I've never felt like I was a person anyone should feel sorry for. I'm the confident one. The one who is upbeat, focused, positive ... tempered by a sarcastic streak and an overachiever's anxious sense of ambition.
I had lunch with a good friend yesterday, who has a beautiful baby. We were talking about my lap, and my small cervix, and my failure to produce a period, etc. etc. etc. I almost started to cry, and we decided to change the subject. I could tell she felt sorry for me. Of course, she would. She should. She's my friend. But it's just so weird to be the woman people feel sorry for. It's the role of the victim, and I wear it awkwardly. It's ill-fitting and unfamiliar, itchy and embarrassing. I hate it.
I suppose if I behaved differently, or felt differently, or approached our infertility differently, perhaps I wouldn't give off the victim vibe as much. But it's been long enough now, and I'm surrounded by so many friends' children, that it's hard for me to just suck it up and be strong. I don't feel strong. I feel defeated. Even though I know that there are still quite a few options for us -- we're still only at the Clomid/IUI stage after all -- and that there's a decent chance that I will ultimately have a biological child. But it's difficult for me to think in those positive terms. I'm not sure why.
And so my sweet friend, looking at me with care and concern, made me even sadder. And when I got home, and collapsed in a sullen heap on the couch, my husband looked at me and said he was worried about me. Which made me bristle. Since I've become an asshole. And my response was to dig at him for his domestic irresponsibility, which saved me from having to admit... I'm worried about me too.
I can completely relate. I launched in on my hubby last night for not cleaning the sink in the bathroom the way I like, for leaving the dog food can on the counter after feeding the dogs, and for just being a completely insensitive idiot in my time of need. That about covered it. Whew! I also just finished the Clomid/IUI route, never to return. I think the lingering effects of clomid last until good ol' PMS time. So I'm moving onto injectables this next cycle... maybe less Sybillness.
Posted by: JenH | September 03, 2004 at 12:29 PM
Of man, how screwed am I? I'm like that and I've never taken Provera. But I'm also further along in the process, the part where I'm slowly starting to realize it ain't in the cards for me.
Sending you lots of luck and hope that you get your baby soon.
Posted by: Emily | September 03, 2004 at 12:58 PM
One day, E.'s pathological inability to put stuff in the dishwasher will become a blog topic. By the dishwasher, he can manage that. In the sink, yes. In the actual THING THAT WASHES THE DAMN DISHES, not a hope in hell.
Honey, you are not an asshole. You really are not. And as far as being an object of pity, I have come to realise that people are too obsessed with themselves to pity me much, so I've given up worrying about it much. Still casual pity bites too, and when the pity overlaps with care & concern that it get all messy, doesn't it. *sigh*
Posted by: barren mare | September 03, 2004 at 02:02 PM
Yes, yes, and yes.
I am you, my dear. Let's be messes together, and let our damn husbands take care of the flippin house for once. And I'm tired of sucking it up, I'm so tired of it. Today a coworker changed her baby on the TABLE I EAT ON.
Anyway. There you go. Much love to you.
Posted by: Karen | September 03, 2004 at 05:54 PM
Wow. I can only hope that I won't need Provera, because I am bitchy already, and my husband DOES do the dishes and he DOES do most of the laundry. Poor guy. And..I don't try to suck it up anymore, I have perfected the art of avoidance. Takes diligence really...a practiced hand...
Erin
Posted by: Erin | September 03, 2004 at 09:38 PM
I fit the other shoe - the one where obsessive-compuslive DH rants about how messy/lazy/disinterested I am about housework and I bark back "Fuck off blah blah blah". I was grouchy a long time before provera.
By the way, AF arrived today, 3 days after stopping Provera.
Posted by: kath | September 04, 2004 at 06:39 AM
Yes, you bitch glad I'm across the ocean from you.
But it's dejavu re: Tertia. She has said the same things over and over - especially the don't pity me part.
Hang onto that belief in beating the odds, babe - I'm believing it with you !
Posted by: eM | September 05, 2004 at 12:16 PM
Do not feel like the lone ranger. I am a total crabby bitch. My husband can rarely do anything right and I nag too much. My meaness started after clomid and still has not gone away...Geesh!
I so desperately want people to understand what we are going through however the minute they act as if they feel sorry for me I get all funny feeling. I like how you described it..itchy. I guess people cannot win around me.
I hope things go better for you.
Posted by: alexhere | September 05, 2004 at 01:03 PM
Ah yes, I could have written your post. I hate that people pity me, HATE it. I fight tooth and nail to avoid it.
And dont worry about being a bitch, you can't be good at EVERY THING.
Posted by: Tertia | September 06, 2004 at 12:21 AM
No pity from this direction -- just admiration for what a kick-ass, funny woman you are in the midst of all this crap.
Posted by: Joanne | September 06, 2004 at 06:13 PM