I am currently waiting to ovulate, and things are moving a bit more slowly than usual. I can feel my ovaries getting ready -- I have that heavy weight in my pelvis. As soon as I get an OPK surge, I can schedule my next IUI. I'm getting ancy. I pee on, like, four OPK sticks a day, even though my RE warned me to only test once a day. And, yes, I do think money grows on trees, thanks.
This will be our last unmedicated IUI. We met with the RE yesterday, who wants me to do a couple of IUIs with Clomid if this cycle doesn't work. (And somehow, I'm just pretty sure it won't. It hasn't up to now, after all.) After the Clomid IUI's, if I'm still not "with child", as they say, I'll have a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis. Yuck -- laps scare me. I have a sneaking suspicion they might find something, since I nearly passed out from pain during my last period. That kind of eyes-rolling-back-in-the-head pain doesn't come every month, though, so who knows.
Our meeting with the RE produced neither good nor bad news. Just a minor acceleration in my treatment, and the possibility of further testing. But for some reason, I'm feeling remarkably chipper. I've been in an upbeat mood all day and, come to think of it, yesterday as well. And the potentially hellish weekend with our niece turned out, as you know, to be just fine. What is going on with me?
Actually, this is how I usually felt before the shadow of infertility swept onto the horizon. I'm a pretty even-keeled chic. While I confess to being a big-time worrier, on the whole, I'm usually pretty happy and I don't sadden easily. On the rare occasions when I do get really upset, like once every two years maybe, it hits me out of the blue like a ton of bricks. This is, as my therapist used to tell me, because I'm not particularly in touch with my emotions. In my humble opinion (with all due respect to my therapist), that's not always such a bad thing. It makes the day-to-day stuff of life easier to take. But when I realized how difficult conceiving a baby was going to be, my old self slunk into the shadows to make room for ... my new emotional, hysterical, and pessimistic self. This version of me is no lobster, friends, but more like, um, a young and rabid stray cat. Immature, needy, easily provoked, desperate for sustenance, and often hostile. Hsssssssssss.
Where my rabid self has gone, I'm not sure, but I don't miss her much. I'm sure she'll be back; she's pretty stubborn. But, in the meantime, I think this blog may be helping me cope. It's funny, because I've never been a journaler. It always seemed like way too much trouble, and I didn't have anything to write about anyway. I've always thought journaling was supposed to give you a chance to express your feelings, and, as I mentioned, I keep my feelings nicely tucked away and incognito. I'm extremely good at repression, which makes a journal virtually useless.
But that's all changed in the last few months, and boy, does it feel good to start letting some of this stuff out. I don't talk to many people in my real life about what I'm going through. My good friends know some of the technical stuff, but I try not to get into my feelings too much, since I don't want to ruin their pregnancies or their happiness in newly born children. My husband is sweet and listens well, and wants me so much to be happy, but I don't think he's in quite the same place as me. And if I burden him with too many of my truly dark emotions, I'm afraid I'll pull him down into the undertow with me, and then where would I be? Thus, the blog. So, thank you to those of you who have already posted comments and any other quiet readers who may be out there, because by allowing me to write about my infertile life, you are doing me a huge favor.
Hi I'm one of Tertia's (So Close) supporters - but as I confessed to her today I have become a regular stalker and check up on some of her friends too. I read your Alice in Wonderland story and can so relate to that. I may not comment much but I do check up on you and I'm listening.
Posted by: eM | June 10, 2004 at 05:00 AM
Hi eM,
Thanks for commenting. It's nice to know you're reading/listening. I'm a great fan of Tertia's, btw, and I'm pleased as punch to have one of her supporters checking on me too.
Posted by: lobster girl | June 10, 2004 at 09:21 AM
Hey girl, just a quick post to let you know I am here, lurking, and getting some kick ass comfort in this lonely infertility hell. Keep writing!
Posted by: Sam | June 11, 2004 at 05:12 AM