How Do You Know When To Say Good-Bye?

I don't have much to say these days. Everything seems to be okay with the sprite (and that sound you hear is me knocking on wood so hard my knuckles bleed). My amnio is scheduled for next week, and I'm kind of nervous about that. Part of me, though, thinks that really everything will be fine. Another part is scared shitless.

I've been thinking a lot about why I don't have much else to say, and what the purpose of this blog is. I don't think I'm a natural blogger at heart. There are blogs out there where the author has true literary talent, and perhaps more importantly, seems to really enjoy and/or need to post frequently. These are the blogs that we all love and admire. But I'm not one of them. I think that my desire to post about my life has started to wane a bit. And, while my writing is decent, I'm no Julie, if you know what I mean.

When I started this blog, I was desperate, alone, scared, and in so deep I couldn't see straight. Infertility drove me to start a public blog -- something I might otherwise never have done. But thank jebus I did. Being able to write down the thoughts and feelings that were eating me alive, having contact with others going through the same experience (I wasn't alone!), it was amazing. And it saved me.

But if infertility hadn't been dropped in my lap, I really doubt that I would have started blogging. Just like, in an earlier era in my life, I would never have gone to therapy if I wasn't drowning in grad school anxiety and suffering from an eating disorder. Therapy did wonders for me, but I always knew that I couldn't -- or wouldn't -- stay in therapy forever. When I felt like many of my major issues had been discussed, and I was coping better and feeling pretty good, I left therapy. And that was, I believe, the right thing to do.

I think that blogging, at least for me, has functioned much like therapy. There are times in one's life when therapy or blogging is a lifeline, and to turn your back on something that might save your sanity would be foolhardy. Once I realized that I too could start my own blog, I jumped at the chance because I knew that I needed it. But when things begin to stabilize a bit, when you're not crying every day, or having a hard time getting out of bed, or facing challenges you think you just can't handle, then maybe it's time to bid a fond farewell to your therapist, er, blog -- knowing that someday you might be back, if things just get too tough.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but as the weeks go by, this feels more and more like a normal pregnancy to me. Even normal pregnancies come with their own share of fears, so I'm certainly not saying that I've managed to become worry-free. Far from it. But somehow, perhaps because I'm in the 2nd trimester, I'm slowly beginning to feel that my pregnancy is defined less by its infertile past and more by its future. I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, everything is going well and there will actually be a baby at the end of all this.

Would I have started a blog if I'd become pregnant in a reasonable amount of time, without a lot of medical intervention? Probably not. As my struggle with infertility becomes something I see in my rear-view mirror, I wonder if it makes sense for me to keep blogging. I can't really imagine going on forever. I don't think I'll be blogging about diapers and breastfeeding. I never really envisioned being the author of a mommy blog. Of course, that's because I couldn't really imagine becoming a mom. But that possibility becomes more real each day, which says to me that at some point, it might be time for me to close up shop.

Now just watch, I'll probably go into a neurotic tailspin next week, and hang on to my blog for dear life. So we'll see. But I am thinking about these issues. Because I do think at some point, you have to know when to say good-bye.

Comments

[Angela]

I will miss you if you go. Congrats again, and I wish you a completely normal second and third trimester.

[chrissy]

Dont got yet..lol I enjoy you.. can we make a deal yanno.. maybe once the baby is here and we can all read your lovely birth story..ok well if you do go.. good luck and you will be missed

[Meriel]

I got a big lump in my throat to hear how you are feeling. Not quiet because you are in a cave, but quiet because you are in a god place. I am so so happy for you *three*.

You DO write so eloquently, reading that I was nodding and getting it, I can't fault your argument but like the others I'd like to read your progress, hear how its going. So if you do decide to leave town for a bit or forever please send us all a postcard now and again.

[Meriel]

ahem....that would be a good place not a god place (shitty spellchecker)

[dish]

Another reader who would miss your words. I am glad, though, to hear that you are thinking of your pregnancy as normal. It's a hard place to get to as an infertile. It took me a very long time to get there, and there are days when I relapse. I wish all the best for you.

And if you do decide to say goodbye, please keep my e-mail and drop a line sometimes!

[Irina]

Please don't go! We really enjoy reading you writing. Besides, I'm looking forward to your progress and see how's everything...

[Joanne]

I'll miss you if you go. But I am so happy that you're starting to feel normal. That is a wonderful thing. Love you.

[B Mare]

If you go, I'll wish you good luck and godspeed. Blogging doesn't have to be forever- I know what you mean about finding the right time to bow out. That said, I hope you stick around for awhile longer so we can hear how you are doing.

[Menita]

I hope you don't go, but understand if you decide to leave. For a while. And then come back.
I am so glad you have this peace in your life now.

[achromic]

Well I just got here so maybe I got no right to suggest this, but I'm gonna anyways because you do seem to be a pretty good writer. Besides there needs to be some happy stories out there with good endings. But of course just ignore this if you want to. My suggestion is to open a new blog about parenting (something you will hopefully be doing) and have a link to this page on that blog and a link to that blog on this page. Those readers who find themselves ready to move on with you can, those new readers that find you who may need to know the rest of the story will be able to. And while you are not finding that you need the blogging outlet right this minute (yay for you that is sooo goood!!) you might find like many new parents the need later on. I wish you luck with everything.