Picture!

After much delay, here is a picture of the sprite at about 9 weeks, taken this past Monday.
You can actually see its beautiful big ol' head, and the little feet and hands, and a fuzzy blobby umbilical cord. I mean, it looks like an actual tiny creature. Every time I look at it I get stars in my eyes and I instinctively reach for my stomach.

Not that you can really tell from my stomach that anything is happening. I've gained 4 or 5 pounds. But since I was already a bit tubby in the middle anyway, I pretty much just look fat. Yet it makes me feel good to touch my belly every once in a while, to remind myself that in fact it's not just fat. That something miraculous and loved is growing in there. What a wondrous thing.

My anxiety has diminished somewhat, as the end of the first trimester seems not too far around the corner. My new worries have to do with the decisions we have to make about testing. Good god, I can't believe every pregnant woman has to go through this -- and especially us older mamas (I'm 36). Of course, I've read other bloggers' posts about testing, but I don't think I ever really understood how nerve-wracking this part of the process could be.

For one thing, it forces you to start thinking about what you would do if something were wrong. And the last thing any newly pregnant woman wants to consider is what she would do if her baby had a defect of some kind. But too bad, because that's exactly what we have to deal with now, like it or not. I just didn't know we'd have to start considering our options this soon.

As I said in my last post, we're leaning towards having an amnio, but haven't made any firm decisions yet. We're scheduled for a genetic consult next week, so we'll have a better idea of what we're doing after that. At this point, having read the literature my new doc (must come up with a name for her) gave me about testing, it seems to us that the early screening tests are too vague to be of much use. If your results come back negative, there are still some important things the screening tests don't look for. And if it comes back positive, that doesn't necessarily mean anything except that you have to have more tests.

The CVS test seems to carry too high a risk of miscarriage, and my doctor said that it's really only called for when you have a history of birth defects or other inherited problems in the family, which we don't. The advantage, of course, is that this test occurs earlier in the pregnancy, so that ending the pregnancy would be less physically and emotionally traumatic than at a later date. The amnio, as I understand it, carries very little risk of miscarriage above the normal risks for that stage in the pregnancy, it offers pretty definitive diagnostic information, and I have a good friend who recently did an amnio and is very happy she did. The drawback, of course, is that it isn't done until well into the second trimester, so discontinuing the pregnancy would be that much harder. "Harder" being, in this case, a gross understatement.

And that's where things really get sticky. Under what circumstances might we consider ending the pregnancy? This much-longed-for, hard-won, miraculous little pregnancy? My husband and I had our very first talk about this issue, and it didn't go so well. If an amnio were to show that our precious baby had serious defects, and I mean serious, then I might feel as if ending the pregnancy were the humane and ethical thing to do. It's hard to know until you're in the situation, but I can imagine making that decision. But if the amnio showed, for example, that our baby had Down's, would I be able to make the same decision? I just don't think I could. Again, it's hard to know until you're in the middle of it, but I just don't think I'd be able to do it.

My husband, however, would. And that's a problem. Or it could be a problem. He asked me if I wanted to have a child with mental disabilities who would never be able to have a normal life. "Of course I don't want that", I said. I wouldn't choose that future for myself or my child. But if those are the cards that are dealt us, would I really be able to live with myself if I terminated a pregnancy because my child had something like Down's? Something difficult and challenging for the kid, but not debilitating or painful?

Things started to get tense, so we just stopped talking about it. Hopefully, dear stars in heaven, please, we won't have to make this kind of decision. For the time being, for my sanity, I just have to believe that everything will be okay. And if it's not, then we'll confront it then. But you can see that in our situation, we have to have tests of some kind. We have to know what we're dealing with.

So that's where my thinking on testing stands right now. I may feel differently after the consult next week. It's awkward writing about this, especially the possibility of ending a pregnancy that is so dear to us. I know every pregnant woman has had to face these same issues, but this is the first time for me, and it's hard to even have to think about it.

Comments

[chrissy]

my son is autistic.. I dont believe for a second.. he was born this way.. neither do some of his docs... he did talk... and was developmentaly perfect until the age of 16 months.. I didnt let that stop me from gettin pregnant again.. altho it was a 5 yr strech..lol and it seems your jes a few weeks behind me.. god wont give you more then you can handle... remember that and you will be fine..if you do get the amnio do you plan to find out the sex?

[Jen P]

Good luck with the genetics counselling. We chose to have the NT done first, as a general guideline (plus, it was another ultrasound to see the wee one) and we had all these tenative plans. If the NT is bad, we'll do the AFP/MSS and then the amnio. If it's good...well, ha ha...that'd be a freaking miracle, right?

Well, it was good. Really good. But our system doesn't test for things like Neural Tube Defects (which I have a familial history of)...so now we've hit that road again. Now, the answers can only be 'really, really' bad things.

We get a good 2 weeks to decide and I hope you get some good, quality guidance in your journey. Ours has been a total hodgepodge and it makes me question everything. We can't elect to do the amnio unless we get + markers in the AFP/MSS...so I just don't know.

Gah. Wishing you lots of luck.

[eM]

i have no advice or experience to share. as a good friend always says "you could argue either way equally convincingly". i don't think there is a right or wrong, you will chose the option that "feels" appropriate at the time (altho I'm sure you'll be filled with doubt either way). i wish you lots of patience and persepctive while you consider the options, it's hard enough to decide for yourself (but then still factor in a partners sentiments !!).

i do love the pic (thanks for sharing it)

[Tertia]

no time for long comment
but i've had both cvs and amnio so mail away if yoou have any questions

xxx

[Joanne]

Beautiful picture, there! I know nothing about all the testing -- just wishing you luck and peace as you and hubby work through these tough decisions. Also, more than anything, I'm hoping that these questions aren't an issue at all.

[Maureen]

My sister is 44 is going through much of what you've just stated. She refused to have the amnio. She wasn't supposed to have gotten pregnant and surprise! Here she is at 44, pregnant and doing well. She's reached her 14th week.

Congrats! I'm sure all will be fine. :)

[Gillean]

To the first poster with the picture..I'm 38..same story, wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant and now here I am at 12 wks and holding! So excited. Same issues where husband seems more willing to consider termination if child has Downs. I'm not. I don't even want the small risk of amnio and hubby has agreed with my decision to refuse it. Doing all the 'right' things possible and will rely on ultrasounds and blood tests to rule out any extreme abnormalities..but truth is that we both know we would not love a child any less if it had Downs. Lets all stay positive and send each other good energy.